Silver

Slowly, silently, now the moon

Walks the night in her silver shoon;

This way, and that, she peers, and sees

Silver fruit upon silver trees;

One by one the casements catch

Her beams beneath the silvery thatch;

Couched in his kennel, like a log,

With paws of silver sleeps the dog;

From their shadowy cote the white breasts peep

Of doves in silver feathered sleep

A harvest mouse goes scampering by,

With silver claws, and silver eye;

And moveless fish in the water gleam,

By silver reeds in a silver stream. 

- Walter de la Mare

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There is a beauty in words, something artistic. 

When I read upon a well woven paragraph, I see glimpses of fantastical events, fragile emotions, evocative world. How I wish to one day be able to do the same in my work.

Re: Talent

I do not believe in the existence of talent as it makes it too easy to be an excuse not to try something

2015 End

“May the soil be ever more gentle to those that came long after us."

------------------------------------------

2015 is coming to an end.. truly this has been one of the most fruitful and magical year for me.

I am happy to say that I am starting to have a better understanding of how to apply the knowledge that I have learned from various mentor and friends into my art.

Despite whatever people say, I also found that art is something that the world cant do without as it made people smile or feel inspired in ways we cannot ever imagine.. its gives a touch of magic into people life that are mundane and hope to other that are despairing.

During this year's journey I start to understand about myself and what I enjoyed is truly storytelling and art is just a medium that I happen to choose.

But one of my the most precious realization is of how I had always overrated the result instead of the process.

I am a perfectionist and as my name stands I am very ana-l :x, I often beat myself over bad result be it in artwork or just life.

It made me a fearful person and it made me stop creating out of hesitation and self doubt.
It made me gave up whenever I start to visualize the end result and felt I could never reach the end goal I had in mind. I gave up whenever it got too hard.. and too painful.

Reading Constantine P. Cavafy's poem.. on journey to ithaca.. made me changed that thought process.

In the end life is a journey, we could never really truly predict whether we can label ourself as succesful or failure at the end of this path but all we could do is to enjoy the journey as we adventure towards the far end.

Coupled with last year reflection, it felt like its time that I try to overcome my weakness.

I knew it definitely wont be easy to kick the laziness in me which has been nurtured through out the years.

Procrastination and depression hits always on the most critical moments but this time around I tried experimenting with myself..I have to make myself sit and work.. somehow..
The idea of this experimentation came from my personal belief that we do have a choice on how to live our life just that we often forget how to make the decision or refuse to out of fear.

Half a year into 2015..I made a vow to myself to always overdeliver.. and that...... I think is one of the biggest thing that changed me this year as that made me push myself and earns me the practices that I had always ran away from.

There are many other small iteration that I continued to experiment on myself to try to streamline my process of hopefully on how to be a better person that I idealized.

So far it seems to be working well for me but I am hoping to be able to be more discipline and focused in the upcoming year.

And.. just a couple of weeks ago I lost someone precious to me, my grandmother. This was a huge blow to me as it was so sudden and I just thought of her..a day before her passing.
I had not lost someone close to me for years so it was a rather numbing experience.

I decided that losing someone is a lesson, a reminder for all the people to live our life to the fullest, to embrace life in a more positive note that is why there are death and parting in life.

With that in mind..if in 2015 my theme was "Embracing Fear" then in 2016 it would be "Chasing Dream"

I would like to start using what I have acquired this year to start pursuing more of storytelling..wish me luck and Happy new year everyone.. !!

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If you are interested to know more about some of the things that I have tried I have listed them below:

Firstly I tried to change the tone of voice in my head (as recommended in the book of motivation by carol dweck) I made it into a positive thing..Its a challenge! I will be better at it tomorrow!

I chanted it to myself everytime things gets hard. Of course as all human are there are days when it just didnt work I slipped into the bad habit of self hating but hey one step at a time.

Next, I start drinking 3liter or more of water everyday (I calculated how much I need using some online calculator)

I also cut on carbs and only drink milk if I exercised as those make me sleepy.

I tried to block out bad news or gossips as those tend to make me too depressed to work.

I start to trim out my social life.. Friends and families are awesome.. I love them all but life is a fair exchange, sometime you do have to choose your priorities and on 2015, mine was on pursuing my artistic goal.

And.. I start to find ways to remove distractions.. I am very easily distracted and it takes a long time for me to slip back into work mode.

So I block fb, turn off my phone, set work hour.. Gave up my hobbies...of gaming and reading books...

I failed many times in the beginning, too undiscipline to follow a strict schedule so the next thing I did was to add some breaktime in the middle, mostly in the late afternoon when I start to feel sleepy.

I also added some walk time and stretching. Those really helps alot.

Those are just some things that I listed off from my mind, if I remember more I will try to add on to the list.. I hope my personal experience,if any, could be of some help to spring board your own personal adventure. If you have any suggestions for me on what to improve on, please do feel free to share it with me. Both criticism and advise would always be appreciated.

Thought

The Realest Comic About Growing Up Asian American, And Hating Yourself

This was an interesting read for me, not that I have truly felt the cruelty of racism but recently I experienced a moment where I was looked down for my job choice. I told myself not to get affected by it, since it was such a small thing and i thought it did not.. but it actually did. I was down for a few days and I could not understand why. Felt like I was hollow inside. Then I realized it was a taste of sorrow, humiliation and a strange feeling like my life work being shirked off. It made me small about myself. (After realizing it tho, I found ways to manage that feeling and I still love what I do no matter what.)

Not that I can blame the people who did it. Artist job is not exactly the most stellar in the whole world.. we don't get paid with millions of bucks, we don't get credited almost half of the time, we work nonstop... we do get exploited though and since most of us are "living the dream", and we tend to intentionally let it happen praying that our dream comes true. People often relate the word artist to contemporary art gallery with abstract works too so its very hard for them to truly understand what we do day to day.

But hey... hell yeah its really a fun life!

The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why. 

- Mark Twain

Also, silver lining of the whole story was that, hopefully it taught me a lesson not to grow old to be an elitist.

Beautiful Poem

Today I saw stephen silver shared a beautiful poem in FB together with 2 part video
https://vimeo.com/84022735
https://vimeo.com/87448006

When you set out for Ithaka
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, as long as a rare
emotion touch your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - you will not meet them
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raise them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
At many a Summer dawn to enter
with what gratitude, what joy -
ports seen for the first time;
to stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.
Have Ithaka always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don't in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to give you wealth.
Ithaka gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn't anything else to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaka hasn't deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you'll have understood what these Ithakas mean. 

Constantine P. Cavafy

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I like the poem so much that I want to share it here so I could remember it in the future.. It came just in time because today I felt rather down due due to some feedback about my art. Made me realize I have been living too long in a glass bubble that I forgot some feedback could be very painful to hear but its like bitter medicine that I have to hear. Anyway, no art post for today because I have to fix it up. :)

Video for a thought

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTfYv3IEOqM

A very good video that makes me think alot :)

March Still life Fiesta #3

Good morning all!

This is my digimon tamagotchi toy that I dug up from my cupboard. Unfortunately the battery is dead so I cannot play with agumon anymore.

Anyway, this proves to be an interesting still life studies! Reason being the material has a bit of SSS going on even though its quite plastic-ky and I found a wondrous use for smudge tool! Its really good to smooth up edges, something I have been struggling with for a long time.

Finally just would like to share a quote that started a change in me few months ago!

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you, no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you ain't gonna have a life."

~Sylvester Stallone As Rocky Balboa~

 ==============================================
From here on, its just me rambling some personal thoughts ;)

So few months ago when I was in a big bad slump. I watched tonnes of motivational video and then this quote by Stallone.. started playing... and something just clicked inside my head...

Excuses.. those are what I have been doing all my life!

From early days of childhood when I wanted to try to do push up.. I did it once.. twice.. then I said I will do it tomorrow...and tomorrow never comes. I drew some shitty comic when I was in junior high school, but when I could not draw the angle I wanted. I erased it and changed it... then I gave it all up later.

During school, I was not a model student. I played a lot.. I made a lot of excuses to myself.. things like I am not good enough.. its okay to settle for it to be like this... and things like, but they never taught me that yet!

I realized I never pushed on.. one of a very bad habit of mine. Always having thoughts of being tired, hungry, and procrastinating..convincing myself every single time that.. "Ah.. I will do it later". Rinse and repeat.

In my mind.. I convinced myself.. that one day its all gonna be okay.. Perhaps, I somehow believed that I will one day wake up from good night sleep and became a master artist. During this period of time, I scoured the internet for tutorials and talked to many good artists.. but I didn't made use of it well. I never finished work that I set out to do.. and I kept on looking for magical skill up potions o_o|||

FZD was a kick in the butt. Good tight wake up slap across the face that the cruel reality is that I have to fight for the share of the pie. But after graduating.. I went into a depression slump that maybe I just suck... not realizing that too is a trap..cause I stop asking how to improve.. instead, I kept asking why do I suck.

It made me have a bad mindset for a year or so..I let life pass through me..
Instead of living a life.. I let it lived me.

Its like eating junk food, my priority was pretty messed up then. I splurge on everything that is not art related. I party, ate, gaming, read comics, watch movies, meh..I WAS ENJOYING LIFE!! But I was not happy. Not at peace. Like an itch in my heart I know that is not what I wanted. Its just a form of escape.

Then comes the quote.. and thanks to that quote I had a realization.

That I have to take control back!! I have to control my life and actions. Time is precious but at least I realized it early.

At this point too, sick of me being depressed and making excuses, I tried to face my fear. Picked a few things I feared and bam! Just do it. It was not easy to fight my own thoughts, until today I fail more than I want to.

Nevertheless..  Deep inside my heart I know that I am finally changing.. and that.. made me so happy in recent days! I am not sure how to explain it but my heart finally feels at peace.

Low point

Hullo.

No art today, just want to share some thoughts

Firstly, a powerful video I found in youtube by Paul Klein

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UcTYhaA72iY

and another by Jim Carrey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V80-gPkpH6M

Recently I have been pretty stressed and confused about my future path as artist.. to the point I wanted to throw in the towel and go back to my hometown and be a farmer (serious ;D ) I have been talking to more and more people, trying to hear about their life stories and getting wisdom from them. Reading on various articles on life, work, and success. 

Just at the lowest point in my life, a friend send me Jim carrey's video. His wise words broaden my horizon and made me goes back to the fundamental on why did I even choose this line... It was great to look back and tried to remember my roots and raison d'etre (one bucket list to cross! finally used this cool word)

As I was observing my lack of fundamental/traditional skills, I found this guy http://www.classicalartonline.com/ and I read up about his adventure @ CA forum. I remember seeing his post a couple years back when I was in school, to stumble upon his work again now and seeing how much he improved was very inspiring! I think as long as I have yet to work as hard as this guy, I cannot give up or whine. 

Pretty much distill it to two goals for myself this year.

1. Find my style/voice (inspired from my idol Terryl Whitlatch http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdpnBn9Cv9o and Paul Klein's video)

2. Learn to polish my work.

Finally a motto that keeps me going for weeks now,

Success is a choice, so is failure.